Maximum Ride The Abridged Series
by beanpaste-chan
Summary: Just like the title says: an abridged version of all things MR. Basically the same old story with new dialogue, less plot, lots of spoilers, random pop culture references, and some character-bashing! I'm not saying who. CougheverybodyexceptFangcough. Fun!
1. Good Morning, Plot!

**Yay!**

**I don't own any of this. Nothing. Hear me? NOTHING!!**

* * *

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away...

There were six children. They were special and stuff. Because they were mutants. What exactly is so special about mutants anyway? I mean, most of them are icky and hideous and get killed by the antihero in the end. But these mutants aren't icky and hideous, or get killed, and one of them is an antihero to boot! So read on, dear reader, and hopefully you shall understand why mutants are so special. (Okay, maybe not.)

Simon Says you are now two-and-a-quarter steps closer to your destiny.

* * *

The funny thing about imminent death is that it ends up seeming longer than imminent in movies. I swear, they drag imminent death scenes out for about fifteen minutes before the character actually dies. Jeez.

"Exactly. To make my imminent death drag on longer, I'm going to walk slowly and narrate," said the main character. "My brain is on warp drive. I am running as fast as I can."

Dogs barked suddenly.

"Oh noes, dogs."

Gunshots rang out.

"Oh noes, guns and dogs."

Then, the main character stopped at a cliff.

"Oh noes, I'm at a cliff and I'm being followed by people with guns and dogs. Now what do I do?"

After a minute of deciding (that dragged on like twelve), the main character jumped off the cliff.

"Whee!"

"That was stupid!" called several fully-morphed Erasers from atop the cliff. "We would've just brought you back to the School! We wouldn't have killed you!"

"Yeah, I wish," came the reply.

* * *

The main character woke up panting. She checked herself for bullet holes and scratches to see if her experience was just a dream, and got up.

"Good morning, Gazzy."

"Leave me alone." The blond eight-year-old walked into the kitchen, grumbling and rubbing sleep from his eyes. The main character shrugged and followed.

Then Iggy, the only partly sensible character in this canon, slouched in.

"Good morning, Ig."

"Go kill yourself."

"Fine, then everybody will starve, and when you notice I'm dead, you'll all be sorry! I'll show you!"

The main character then attempted to make breakfast and failed pitifully, so Iggy had to get up and take the task into his own hands. Then, Fang, the emo-smexy character, entered the room.

"You can't do that," he chided, "Emo's my thing."

"All of you, shut the hell up! I'll make freaking breakfast, okay?"

"Yay, thank you, Iggy!"

And so Iggy made breakfast, and it was good. Then, the main character was saddled with the task of waking up the token 'creepy children' characters, and that was not good.

"Yo, get up!" she yelled. "We have a plot to set in motion, and we can't do it without'cha!"

"But we don't wanna," replied Nudge.

"Yes, we don't wanna."

"Get up or else I'll make you become minor characters like the Gasman and that one dog that comes up in the fourth book!"

"Fine."

So then they all went outside for some random reason and did random stuff. Until, that is, Fang suddenly pointed behind the main character and screamed, "OMG, Eraser!"

The main character put her hands on her hips and said, "Cha, like I haven't fallen for that trick, like, a million times."

"No, seriously, dude," replied Fang. "Eraser."

And then an Eraser totally punched the main character. Score! He totally punched that overzealous bizatch!

Oh, it was a wonderful punch.

* * *

Several minutes that seemed like four hours later, the main character woke up, moaning.

"Da-a-a-mn, you were lucky. You didn't have the crap beaten out of yourself like us. Oh yeah, they took Angel."

The main character opened her eyes to see Fang, Iggy, Nudge, and the Gasman standing over her. She stood up, and immediately collapsed, sniveling.

"NOOO! WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE TAKEN SOMEONE NOT INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT, LIKE THE GASMAN?!"

"No need to be a b!tch about it," muttered Gazzy.

The main character stood up again. "True. Fang, Nudge, come with me, we're gonna go find Angel. Iggy, Gasman, stay behind because you suck."

"Aw, maaaan..."

* * *

**Fweet. First chapter. **

**The 'Oh, it was a wonderful punch' thing was a parody of a line from the Bright Eyes song 'At The Bottom Of Everything'.**

**Hope you enjoyed!**

**This is a PARODY, people.**

**It's not meant to insult. Only to gently mock... although I did get rather close to insulting by calling Max an overzealous bizatch. Well, I don't like her as much as I like the others. Deal with it.**

**PLEASE DON'T FLAME, JUST OFFER CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!**


	2. In Which Max Is Described Excessively

**Hooray for the return of MRTAS!**

**Enjoyness, dear readers!**

* * *

"Man, this really sucks!" yelled the Gasman.

"Yeah, I noticed."

"I WANNA BE A MAIN CHARACTER, TOO!!" he wailed.

"Hey, at least you're more main than Bob-Who-Is-Not-Appearing-In-This-Parody," consoled Iggy. At that moment, a hand crept out of the closet they were conveniently standing in front of. Iggy kicked it, saying, "Oi, get back in there, Bob! You don't exist!" The once-handsome, gaunt, pale face of Bob-Who-Is-Not-Appearing-In-This-Parody appeared in the crack in the doorway.

"Iggy, help me," Bob rasped in what was once a cultured British accent. "I think I'm dying of malnutrition and dehydration, I-I can no longer feel my legs! I can no longer lift my legs or right arm, Iggy, please help! I've had to eat rats in here, Iggy!"

"Shut the hell up, whiner!" yelled Iggy angrily, and slammed the door so hard that the top of the wood cracked. A choked sob emanated from the closet, then no more.

"Yeah, I guess it could be worse," said Gazzy. "Poop. Do you think they're wondering how we're doing?"

"Naw. You do know who we're talking about, right?" Iggy asked.

"Yeah, true. But maybe we could follow them or something and become a plot device later on the book."

"Cha! That's a freaking great idea, Gaz! Deus Ex Machina!"

"Yeah!"

"Save the Cheerleader, save the World!"

"Yeah!"

"Dattebayo!"

"Okay, dude, stop, that's annoying."

"Sorry."

* * *

Meanwhile, the main character's name was finally used.

"Hey, Max," said Fang. "Just so you know, we won't tolerate if you do anything-"

"OMFG, MY TSUNDERE SENSES ARE TINGLING!" screamed Max stupidly, her long, blonde (brown in the fourth book. Curse you, James Patterson!) hair flowing in the wind, her graceful palomino wings fluttering ever so gracefully in the shadow of the setting sun. Her liquid brown eyes flicked around and spotted a girl being menaced by two larger boys. Max's intelligent brain began to formulate a plan immediately as she swooped down elegantly.

"-stupid," finished Fang, annoyed. "Damn, she always cuts me off like that before she's about to do something stupid."

"Should we wait for her?" asked Nudge worriedly.

"Naw. She'll just piss us off even more. Let's go eat food while she starves."

"Yay for dumpster diving!"

* * *

Max perceived it all, and shot down like a bullet to kick the asses of the boys who were harassing the poor girl. But then they shot her, so that kind of stopped her efforts.

"Hey, are you okay?" the girl asked her.

"No, I got shot," Max whispered, her eyes involuntarily glistening with tears. She let only one crystalline tear drop from her radiant eye. It splashed upon the ground in a, while very beautiful, not at all plot-enhancing scene that seemed like seven minutes but only took two.

"Um, well, this is awkward. Come on, my mom can get you all fixed up!" said the girl cheerily.

"Is your mom a certified doctor or school nurse?"

"Nah, she's a vet."

"A Vietnam Vet?"

"Nope, a pet vet."

_Oh, poopy, _thought Max. _Damn, this is incredibly ironic._

Still, she followed the girl gracefully, despite her horrible wound.

* * *

"Hey, Fang? Fang? D'you thing Max'll come back yet? Fang? Hey, Fang! Fang! Are you listening to me? Fang??"

"SHUT UP, NUDGE!" screamed Fang. "I'm trying to cut myself!"

"Whyyyyy?"

"'Cause it helps me deal with all my emotional trauma."

"Whyyyy?"

"Because I hate myself because I never had a parent in my life to tell me that he or she loved me."

"Whyyyy?"

"Because we're orphaned. And Jeb liked Max better than me."

"Whyyyy?"

"I dunno. Just shut up and let me cause myself pain."

"Okiedokie."

Soon, there was a little puddle of congealing blood on the floor, and Fang was eating a bar of chocolate while Nudge ate roasted rabbit.

"Wasn't I supposed to get that?" she asked.

"Hey, I'm better-looking than you. I get chocolate."

"That's no faiiiiir! Imma tell Max!"

"Well, Max ain't here right now, so you have to adhere to my rules."

"What does adhere mean?" asked Nudge.

"Um... it means you have to do what I say! Go bring me some pr0nz and beer, 'kay?" asked Fang, not unkindly.

"But you're not old enough to drink beer and read pr0nz," whined Nudge.

"Well, I'm old enough to do that in Switzerland."

"But-"

"DO WHATEVER THE HELL I SAY!"

"... Yessir..."

* * *

"Okay, I need some duct tape," said Iggy.

"Check."

"A spinny chair."

"Check."

"Bob-Who-Is-Not-Appearing-In-This-Parody."

"Check."

"All right," said Iggy peppily. "Damn, we are _so _gonna be main characters after this!"

"You are, anyway," muttered Gazzy sullenly.

Bob-Who-Is-Not-Appearing-In-This-Parody sat, duct-taped, to a spinny office chair. A large homemade bomb was strapped to his chest.

A Humvee full of Erasers rolled under the cliff that Iggy, Bob, and Gazzy were so conveniently standing on. Gazzy pushed Bob off the cliff. The neglected avian-hybrid fell, mumbling as loudly as he could through his duct tape gag, until he exploded into chunks, taking the Erasers to heck with 'im.

"Score!" yelled the Gasman, pumping his fist in the air.

"What happened?"

"Bob exploded, and so did the Humvee and the Erasers!"

"Damn, we're so goddamn freaking awesome," Iggy said, dancing around the cliff. "We got rid of Bob, several Erasers, and that icky nasty Humvee! Take that, Max, you bitch!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Max was being patched up by the girl (whose name was Ella)'s mother, Dr. Martinez.

"So, your name is Max and you have wings and you don't have parents and your favorite band is the Jonas Brothers and your favorite flavor of ice cream is pistachio," she said calmly.

"Yep."

"And your secret celebrity crush is Paul Dano?" added Ella helpfully.

"Uh-huh."

Max got up gracefully, despite her horrific gunshot wound, her lustrous eyes shining with worry. "I have to go find my friends!"

"Despite your grace, you are no doubt horribly injured and need to stay away from your friends while they get attacked by Erasers for a few days."

"Oh, okay- wait, what did you say about Erasers?"

"Nothing, nothing," said Dr. Martinez. "So how 'bout we make some cookies, eh?"

* * *

**Okay, some things require explanation. A Tsundere is an anime character archetype that originally has a combative, energetic, violent personality, but then turns all wimpy-arse and lovestruck. Y'know, just like Max! What a coincidence! (wink wink)**

**Some examples that I know of are Bitc-I mean, Sakura Haruno from Naruto, Asuna from Mahou Sensei Negima!, and Nagi from Hayate No Gotoku!**

**TSUNDERES ARE FUN TO MAKE FUN OF!!**

**(By the way, don't ask why I was describing Max so much in this chapter. Actually, no, I'll explain it to yer. **

**SHE'S A FRIGGIN' MARY-SUE!**

**If you disagree with me, that's okay. But I'm just voicing mah opinion...)**


	3. JEBBIROTH!

**WOOT! The long-awaited new chapter of MRTAS is here! Enjoyness!**

* * *

"Fang, are you sure that Max isn't dead or something? 'Cause she hasn't come back in, like, two days." asked Nudge anxiously.

"I'm sure. Go buy me some more pr0nz, okay?"

Fang was sprawled out on the floor of the cave they were living in like a teenage girl, reading pr0nz and drinking cans of energy drinks (because the 7-11 employees wouldn't let Nudge buy beer for her 'older brother'.).

When Nudge continued to look at Fang miserably, he stood up and said, "Look, she's gonna come back even if she is dead because she's both a Tsundere and the main character. That's how it is."

"Oh, okay."

* * *

Meanwhile, the glamour of the previous chapter had faded away, leaving the main character merely a very tall fourteen-year-old with a very flat chest and almost no grace whatsoever.

"Wow, that's kind of sad," said Dr. Martinez under her breath.

Max blushed and said, "Shut up, okay! It's not my fault I look like an extremely girly boy!"

"Does that mean that your children will be born from eggs like in The Lake House, I wonder?" Dr. Martinez mused.

"EXCUSE ME? We aren't here to debate my reproductive abilities, okay?"

"You kind of resemble Aaron Carter, in a way. No, you look more like a cross between Madonna and Fay from Tsubasa RESERvoir Chronicle..."

"I DO NOT!" whined Max.

"That is true," Dr. Martinez agreed. "You resemble Fay more physically and facially, so maybe you're just a Fay-ripoff."

"Waaah! Why do you hate me, Dr. Martinez?"

"I don't hate you, I'm only critiquing you. James Patterson could've created a much better and more likeable character if he made your chest larger. Did you get a mastectomy before you reached puberty?"

"No! Leave me alone!"

Dr. Martinez patted Max on her head. "There, there, Max. Perhaps your chest will get larger in later books."

"Grr... whatever," Max muttered dismissively. "Imma go find my friends."

"Okiedokie!" called Ella and Dr. Martinez behind her. "You owe us a hundred bucks for the X-ray!"

* * *

Eventually, Max appeared in the opening of the cave that had become Nudge and Fang's home for the past few days.

"Reading pr0nz and drinking potentially dangerous sugary energy drinks, I see," she commented.

Nudge jumped up to give her leader a hug. "Max! You aren't dead!"

"Your chest got smaller. Did you get a mastectomy or something?"

"SHUT UP, FANG!" Max snarled, plopping down on the floor. Nudge attached herself to Max, and no matter how hard she tried, Nudge just wouldn't let go of her hug.

"Hi, guys! Didn't you save us some pr0nz?"

"IGGY!"

This time, Fang jumped up.

"Hel-_lo_, what about _me_?" asked the Gasman.

"You aren't a major character. You don't get a hug," said Fang wisely.

"Exactamundo, little guy," agreed Iggy. "So let's ignore the rest of this sappy stuff and go find Angel so we can kick off the rest of the plot."

"YAY!"

* * *

Meanwhile, back at TEH SKOOL...

Angel's mouth burned. She had been running through a maze for hours, and they still hadn't given her any breaks! Those bastards!

Finally, they offered her a cup of water, which she chugged thankfully.

Suddenly, before she was about to start running the maze again, sinister music resonated throughout the lab.

SEPHIROTH!

(Dun dun)

SEPHIROTH!

"Hold on, guys, you can't do that to her! This is Subject Eleven, and she needs to be treated with respect."

Angel knew that voice. Was it... Johnny Depp?

... Patrick Swayze?

SEPHIROTH!

"Angel, I've missed you so much. Sorry about leaving you and stuff."

It was-

* * *

"RANDOM PLOT-BLOCKING!" screamed Fang, his face and voice conveniently blocking out the mysterious person's name.

"What was that all about?" asked Iggy.

"I dunno, I felt like saying that, I guess."

They were walking towards the TEH SKOOL, on their way to rescue Angel.

Suddenly, someone started talking to them from behind.

"Hey, didja miss me?"

"OMG, ARI!" Max screamed. Then, she cocked her head to the side like a confused terrier. "Wait, you were, like, how old the last time we saw you?"

It was true. Ari, the person whose name was blocked's son, looked like... Kadaj. From Final Fantasy Advent Children, silver hair and smexhay black bodysuit and all.

"Yes, it is I! (Though I now look like Kadaj.)"

"Wow, that's kind of an improvement..."

"Shut up! I am now basically older than you, so... yeah. Imma just punch you and take you all to Teh Skool now, okay?"

Ari walked up to Max and punched her in the face.

"Owwie!" she screamed as she fell down dramatically in slow-mo.

* * *

"Well, that plan to save Angel and escape without detection that you had failed miserably," remarked Fang mildly.

"SHUT THE EFF UP!" snarled Max through the bars of her dog crate.

"You know, Max, that's one good thing now. We can be as loud as we want."

"Be silent."

There was silence for a few minutes before Fang whooped happily.

"Woo! Take it off, baby!"

"WTF?" asked Max.

"Sorry, finally managed to remove my sock. Damn, it's really warm in here. I wish I brought sneakers instead of combat boots."

Max, being the unable-to-interpret-other-people's-feelings character, couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not. Then, voices sounded in the room. And, surprisingly, a musical track.

SEPHIROTH!

(Dun dun)

SEPHIROTH!

"I vaguely recognize that song," said Nudge.

"You know what, so do I!" said Angel enthusiastically.

The person leaned in to look at Max, and smiled.

"Good afternoon, Max. I hope you've stopped being a bitch so I can talk to you."

(Dun dun)

SEPHIROTH!

It was- get your overly dramatic gasps ready- Jeb!

His face appeared from the left corner of the cage window.

SEPHIROTH!

Now the left.

(Dun dun)

SEPHIROTH!

Finally, the top of the cage window was graced with Jeb's face. His hair hung down his face and his glasses slipped down his nose.

"AUGH! I DON'T WANNA! LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!!" screamed Max as Jeb dragged her out of her cage.

* * *

**Did you enjoy it? Did you think it was lacking something? Do you think Ari would look better as Loz or Yazoo?**

**There's only one way to tell me- REVIEW!!**


	4. Fight Club Ass Kicking Jesus

**WARNING: This chapter contains Avatar The Abridged Series references, Final Fantasy Advent Children references, product-placement, and the assumption that Jeb is more of a b-tch than Max, which is impossible.**

**This fanfiction is not recommended for persons, intelligent animals, extraterrestrials, robots, elves, ninjas, pirates, zombies, or avian hybrids under the age of 13. **

**Heck, this fanfiction is not recommended for avian hybrids at all. It's all rather mean to their Messiah. **

* * *

"Ohmygawd, what the hell do you want, Jeb?" screamed Max rather loudly. "You could've just called me on my super-special-awesome Motorola Razr (trademark) cellphone! (Available at most stores for 79.95!)"

"I did not want to call you on your cellphone, Maximum." When Max protested about being called by her full name, Jeb snapped, "Well, that badly disguised product-placement was pissing me off, so I decided I'd annoy you as well!"

"God, Jeb. You're more of a bitch than I am."

"Now, down to business, Max. Do you want some delicious Coca-Cola Zero (trademark), the zero-calorie version of regular Coca-Cola (trademark)?"

"You turncoat," said Max grumpily.

"I know. Now, really down to business. I'm not going to lengthen this out any much longer than I need to, 'cause this is a rather touchy subject-"

"NO! I ALREADY HAD 'THE TALK'!"

"Sweet _Satan_, Max, I do not want to put myself through that ordeal again. No, you were born with a magical special wonderful uber-hyper-awesomeness destiny: to save the world."

Max's mouth hung open for a second, then she tried to compose herself by asking a question. "So, I'm basically Kung-Fu-Action-Jesus?"

"Well, that's the Avatar Messiah term. You're more like... Fight-Club-Ass-Kicking-Jesus."

"Sweet. Do I get any special powers, like, say, airbending, secret KekkaiGenkai stuff, a magic weapon, um... anything of that sort?" asked Max excitedly.

"None of that comes with the deal. If you magically develop powers, I will be very disappointed in you." He then coughed a cough that sounded amazingly like, "Because I'm your father".

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing, nothing." Jeb looked over to the corner of the room and waved dismissively. The Erasers standing outside the door grabbed the new Messiah and shoved her back into her dog crate.

"So, how is the asshole?" asked Fang.

"He's now advertising for Coke Zero." Max stopped, then indignantly said, "Hey, aren't ya gonna ask what happened?!"

"I bet he molested her," said Nudge to Angel.

"NO! In fact, something good happened. I am now," she paused for dramatic effect, "the Messiah."

"Sweet. Does that make me Peter or Judas?"

Max threw her hands up in the air... well, as far as she could, seeing as she was in a dog crate. "Gosh, everything is about you, you, you! Well, aren't you gonna congratulate me on the fact that I'm the one person who's gonna save the world from evil?"

"Do you have to save a cheerleader?" asked Nudge excitedly.

"Do you have to find... a ring...?" asked Angel mysteriously.

"I hope not. Hey, where's Iggy and the Gasman?"

Angel shrugged as much as his dog crate would allow. "I dunno. They're main characters, so we don't have to care about 'em."

"Ya know, I think they escaped," said Fang.

Just then, Kadaj-I mean, Ari, came into the room and kicked Max's cage.

"Yo, time to meet your doom, asshat!" he yelled gleefully.

"Noes!"

"Oh, and Fang... here's a revelation a fun fact, just because I'm a jerkass. Your 'kaa-san was a floating alien head. Just like my 'kaa-san! Have fun, kiddies!"

Fang rattled the bars of his dog crate. "I REFUSE TO BE RELATED TO YOU, YOU BASTARD!"

"Does that make me Yuffie?" asked Nudge hopefully.

Fang ran for the door, screaming, as the whitecoats let him out of his cage.

"Well, if he's Cloud, then I must be Tifa. And if Iggy is Zacky, then you must be Aeris," Max explained.

"Waaah!" Nudge sobbed. "But I don't wanna be dead! I don't even have romantic feelings for Iggy, either! In fact, I think he's an annoying retard!"

"Well, your situation could be worse. You could be Cait Sith," said Angel.

"The world of competition's a hard one, Hiromi," added Fang as he was carried out in a straitjacket.

* * *

Several minutes, four explosions, a steamy kiss scene between Angelina Jolie and Fang, a smoothie break, and a dramatic rescue later, the flock was up and away, flying away from Teh Skool.

"So, O Speshul One, where should we go next?" asked Iggy.

"I dunno," replied Max. "I kind of want to go to Burger King, but I wonder about the others..."

"I'm full; I had a sandwich with my smoothie," said Fang. Nudge and Angel nodded their heads sycophantically.

"Oh, well... um... let's go... to..."

"New York?" suggested Gazzy.

"I know, let's go to New York!" said Max.

"Yeah, that's a great idea!" Angel enthused.

"Didn't anybody listen to me? I came up with that idea first!" said Gazzy indignantly.

"Get used to it, kid," said Bob-Who-Is-Not-Appearing-In-This-Parody. "It'll happen a lot."

"YAY FOR NEW YORK!" screamed Nudge.

"The Big Apple!" said Iggy.

"Si," agreed Max.

"The city that never sleeps!"

"Ja."

"The, um... home of the Statue of Liberty!"

"Hai, hai, Iggy-sama."

"Um, I'll stop now."

"Thanks."

* * *

**Yo, mah homies!**

**How'd ya like it?**

**Good? Bad? Sasuke Uchiha?  
Please give the prrrrrecious feedback, yesss...**


	5. Uber Trippy Part One

**In honor of the fact that I'm going to go see Spamalot today, here's the new chapter of MRTAS!**

**Enjoy!**

**Warning: This parody contains images of Fang cross-dressing, and many things, mostly rather mean to Max.**

* * *

Suddenly, right after deciding, Max fell out of the sky

Suddenly, right after deciding, Max fell out of the sky. Apparently, her head hurt.

"AUGH! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!" she garbled almost unintelligibly, plummeting quickly towards the earth. Gosh, what a drama queen.

Anyways, as she fell, images flashed through her head. Spiral helixes, birds in flight, bright flashes of light, Fang doing the Carameldanssen dance in a Gothic Lolita outfit... (surprisingly, that one was the most frequent image); choirs chanting celestial chants while loud, hyper techno music and a woman singing in Japanese played in the background punctuated the whole experience. It was all somewhat like listening to a Yousei Teikoku song while watching separate videos of Invader Zim, genetics and wildlife protection programs, Pokemon, and an amusing deviantart flash program that I have never managed to find (has anybody made anything like that yet?), all while on as many drugs as possible.

It was a spectacular effect.

Except for all the pain, of course.

Her trippy experience continued as she fell, almost reaching the ground. At least, until Fang saved her at the last moment from breaking her back and being paralyzed for the rest of her life. Darn.

Fang reached the ground and set her down gently.

"You know," said Iggy, who had just been informed of what happened, "You could've just let her fall. Then we'd be rid of the Wicked Bitch of the Wherever the Heck We Are and you'd be leader."  
"Naw," Fang replied. "I'll wait until she has lots of money, and then kill her. That way, I'll inherit all of it."

"Good plan. You know, we can do things while she's out cold... things that we can't usually do with her around..." Iggy said excitedly, his voice dropping to a breathy whisper.

"Yeah."

* * *

When Max woke up, someone had scribbled a mustache under her nose, crudely drawn a unibrow between her eyebrows, and, most embarrassingly, removed her bra, which hung on her head like the eyes of a fly.

"Good Lord, who could've done this to me?" she asked sarcastically, while Fang and Iggy sniggered behind a conveniently-placed rock. Eventually, Fang was able to stifle his laughter and tell her (surprisingly, with a completely straight face. Our Fang is special like that, ne?) that she should be thankful that he saved her from a horrible imminent death, all in a lovely long speech. God, he is so awesome.

"So what?" she asked indignantly. "What you did to me was extremely immature, and I want you to apologize."

"Hell no! It was so frickin' funny!" laughed Iggy, who got out from behind the rock and promptly collapsed with frantic giggles.

"Whatever," Max snorted. She turned away and started to poke at a fire that Nudge, Angel, and Gazzy had helpfully made.

"Hey, Max?" asked Angel tentatively. "I have some important plot information to dispense of."

"Go on ahead."

"'Kay, um... We all have human parents, Iggy's mum died in childbirth, Nudge's mum lives in Arizona, our parents gave us up, and Fang's mum was a teenage crack whore."

"UBER-MEGA-GASP!" screamed everybody else.

"What about my mum?" asked Gazzy.

"You're related to me, stupid," said Angel.

"Oh, okay. The author didn't make that as clear as Jimmeh Patterson did in the book."

"Screw your mum, Gazzy, what about my mum?" Max asked impatiently.

"I dunno," replied Angel. "Maybe she was a teenage crack whore, too."

"Yay!" squealed Max, throwing her arms around Fang. "We can be teenage-crack-whore-mum-buddies!"

"Woo-hoo," said Fang very unenthusiastically.

"Anyways," added Max, "Let's get on with the plot. I'm beginning to think that we're taking too much of a detour."

* * *

Several minutes later, Max had gone through another 'brain attack'. Again, Fang had been there to save her from imminent doom x 2. Dangit!

"Wow, Max," Fang commented when she woke up, "You are such a drama queen. God."

"Now you're calling me God?" asked Max snidely.

"STFU, bitch! I've had to carry you all this friggin' way, and you're damned heavy."

Then, Max slapped him.

"Are you implying that I weigh more than is healthy for a teenage girl?"

"I'm just sayin'..."

"Well, you shouldn't be 'just sayin'...'. It's mean!"

Then, she slapped him again.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Professor Membrane's lab-I mean, Teh Skool...

"Poopy!" said the head whitecoat supervisor. "They escaped again."

"Yeah, we know. We watched them escape."

"Well, get 'em back! I want to perform more painful experiments on them, especially the oldest girl. She's such a bitch."

Jeb, who was spinning in an office chair, sighed. "I know. She's horrible. Kadaj-I mean, Ari, go find them all and kill them."

"Yessir..." muttered Ari annoyedly.

* * *

**UBER-WOOTNESS!**

**By the way, you people should go read the Monster Blood Tattoo trilogy by D.M. Cornish. The first book is called Foundling. Tis muy, muy awesome!**


	6. Sarky

**Finally, I have updated. READ AND ENJOY, FAITHFUL READERS!**

**Sorry it kind of sucks. I just came back from Hell, and I hadn't had a chance to write in Hell, so yeah.**

**It's disclamer time!**

**I dun own nuffing.**

* * *

"Hey, Fang?" asked Max. "What exactly happened before we got captured trying to rescue Angel? The author totally skipped over that plotline."

_**"OOPS,"**_ said the author, totally doing a face-palm.

"You know, I kind of remember... let's have a flashback, then..."

"_**OH NO HE DI'INT,"**_ growled the author.

The author ascended from the bowels of the underworld and floated above the ground. Looking mighty pissed, she flipped her lustrous chocolate-brown hair petulantly and said in a voice of thunder, _**"THOU SHALT NOT HAVE A FLASHBACK EPISODE, AS MUCH AS THE FANS DESIRE TO FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR ENCOUNTERS WITH MICKEY D'S EMPLOYEES. GET THE HECK BACK TO THE MAIN PLOT OR ELSE I SHALL INTRODUCE A SUE TO THE STORY, AND THEN THOU SHALT KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF SUFFERING."**_ The author turned to Fang and flicked him on the nose.

_**"TSST!" **_she added, for good measure.

Then, she adjusted her pince-nez and brushed imaginary dust off her jeans. A tremendous crack opened up in the ground. Demonic choirs chanted in Latin. The author glowed with a hellish light and floated up towards the clouds.

"God, she's almost as much of a bitch as Max is!" sniffed Fang.

Again, the author descended from the depths of hell, accompanied by a demonic orchestra and none other than Amy Lee, singing as sinisterly as possible.

_**"OH, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!" **_she chided.

"I know several main characters who would agree with me," Fang said, crossing his arms defensively over his chest.

The author hissed menacingly and disappeared, leaving the smell of dark chocolate and new carpet in her wake.

"Well, that was fun," said Iggy sarcastically.

* * *

Several minutes (and a defiant flashback) later...

"Hey, Fang, I had another brain attack. Let's go to somewhere called 'Teh Institute, because that's what the pictures in my brain say to do."

"Okiedokie," replied Fang.

* * *

"Well, we checked at the library, and there is no such listing of anything like that in New York, where we are now," said Nudge, helpfully filling in the readers on what happened.

The flock was now in a subway. It was night, and a bunch of homeless people were milling around aimlessly.

"Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer dead!" cried a grubby man who hauled a wheelbarrow full of corpses.

"Not exactly the Holiday Inn," said Max unhappily as she lay down to sleep.

A few minutes into her fitful rest, a brain attack came again. The strange and mega-trippy images flashed with seizure-inducing intensity. The celestial choir chanted, the techno music played, the Japanese woman wailed.

And, of course, Fang danced in a dress. Sweet.

"Yo, bitch, stop disrupting my computer's internet-browsing capabilities!"

Max woke to see another grubby homeless person, but this time about her age.

"Oy, it's not my fault," she moaned.

"WTF?" asked Fang in horror. The image of him dancing the Caramelldansen dance in a dress flickered across the grubby homeless boy's computer screen.

"It's following me," Max whispered, horrified.

"Max, what monstrosity have you created?" Fang gasped. "What the hell have you done?"

"I don't know-"

"My god, look at me! I never realized how good I look in a dress."

Max stared at Fang for a moment, her mouth wide open in shock. Then, she attempted to compose herself and said, flustered, "I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not."

"If you didn't notice, I was not being sarcastic."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Anyways, moving along," interrupted the grubby homeless kid, "You're messing with my computer. Stop it. 'Kay thanks bye."

And so he left.

"Well, that was anticlimactic," Fang muttered.

"Chyeah, I know!" said Nudge, who was awake. "That was, like, so totally weird, I mean, that one guy, he was all, like, calling Max a bitch, but Max was all, like, sleeping, so Fang was all, like, WTF did you do, and the guy was all, like, 'you messin' with my computer, bitch', and I was all, like, 'Chyeah', and then Fang was all up in my grill stoppin' me from talking by putting his hand over my mouth and then we were all, like, sleeping again and then we went to look for stuff and then we were all attacked by Erasers and they were, like, 'RAWR!', and I was all, like, 'ZOMG!', and then we found a dog and then Fang and Max made smoochies and then I was all, like, 'Stop copying me!', and then I saw a pony and then Max killed a guy and Iggy was all, like, 'Whoa', and Angel was all, like, 'Yeah', and the Gasman didn't do anything then there were these guys, they, like, wanted to stop global warming and stuff and then we sang songs and danced around the dead body and smeared the blood all over our faces and then we smelled like oranges because we didn't kill a guy, it was an orange we killed and it wasn't just any orange, it was the king of the oranges so all the oranges were really mad at us and then they sent sporks after us and we were all, like, 'ZOH MAH FREAKING GOD!', and then I married Orlando Bloom and then-"

Fang stopped Nudge from talking any more by putting his hand over her mouth.

"Ye gods, what she said came true!" said Iggy.

"You're right!" added the Gasman. "Does this mean she's a prophet?"

"No it does not! It just means that she talks a lot and... Yeah..." replied Fang.

"ZOMG, I FOUND MY PROPHET!" Max bellowed, despite her obvious annoyance.

"What the hell?" asked everyone else.

"Prophet. You knowww, Jesus had a prophet, didn't he? I mean, yeah, and so forth."

"Max, did you listen when Jeb read the bible to us?" Angel asked. "Jesus WAS a prophet."

"Angel, nobody listened. We're obviously not Christian, or we'd be whining to god for salvation from our horrible predicament," said Fang knowledgably.

"Better yet, pray to me!" Max yelled. "Everybody, down on their knees! I'm Jesus, bow down before my pwnsomeness!"

"What?" cried grubby homeless person number nine. "I'm Jesus!"

"No, I'm Jesus!"

"No, I am!"

"Wow, Max, did you try to anticipate that there just _might_ be other people who believe themselves to be Messiahs here?" Iggy asked, crossing his arms over his chest. He chuckled at the thought that he just might be sarky and amusing enough to be a main character now, but realized that Fang outshone him in both and many more of those departments, so he sat down to release all his anger by cutting himself. Then he realized that Fang was doing the exact same thing at that very moment and gave out a strangled yell. Iggy collapsed on the ground and started sobbing miserably.

"Jeezum, Iggy, what's with the mood swings? You pregnant or something?" Fang asked smugly, chuckling at the fact that he was still the number one sarky and amusing and much more sidekick.

"Ha ha, Fang. You always seem to amuse me with your sarcastic comments at pivotal times," Max laughed, blissfully oblivious to the quiet war going on between her two male friends. "Come on, let's go. I'm getting sick of this filthy place."

So the winged Messiah gathered up her friends and various accoutrements masquerading as characters and walked out of the subway.

* * *

**I wrote Nudge's monologue first, actually. I felt like giving Nudge a chance to talk. **

**Anyways, please review! You know you want to. You know you do.**


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